As a long term babysitter to a 4 year old boy, I got to know the family of this boy very well and even took vacations with them. One day, I was painting my nails when the little boy came up to me and asked me to paint his nails because he liked the color and thought it looked "cool". I was a little bit hesitant but eventually agreed. When I finished painting his nails, he rushed up to his father and thrust out his colorful fingernails. The father, shocked, turned towards me and with a stern face, asked me to take the polish off. I felt immediately uncomfortable and as if I had done something VERY wrong. What I had done was broken a gender norm. The father was visibly upset and displeased and the boy was confused. Being a babysitter, I see situations like this all the time. Little boys are taught societal “rights” from “wrongs” by their parents, teachers, coaches, peers, and siblings. Boys are taught to be unemotional and not to be seen as a “sissy”. But a big question that is constantly on my mind is: Should I frown upon the dad who forbids his son to wear nail polish? In society, who are we to blame parents for simply protecting their child(ren) from possible harassment, bullying, and ostracization?
Coaches fuel the idea of being a man by using humiliation. It was interesting to read that one of the boys admitted his coaches use of humiliation did not help build up his strength and skill but forced him to pretend to be macho. The act of pretending just wore him out. It made me realize that in society, are we ever not pretending? The part that was startling to Kimmel and surprising to me was that men embody masculine ideals not to capture the attention of women but to prove themselves as “men among men”.
Kimmel writes that “Masculinity is largely a “homosocial” experience: performed for, and judged by, other men. This rings very true in our society. You rarely hear girls comment, “That's so gay!” or “No homo”. Men are so focused on proving themselves to their coaches and fathers. I never thought about how exhausting or the toll that it takes on boys. From little league baseball, soccer, and basketball, boys learn how to be competitive and make their dads proud. Even in college, boys compete to earn the approval of other men by entering fraternities that are almost like gangs. Girls too compete at young ages to be accepted on cheerleading squads or gymnastics teams. But the focus is different. Girls wants to impress boys. Women compete to earn a spot in the “top” sororities in hopes of meeting boys. We paint our nails, cut our hair, put makeup on every morning, spend thousands on clothes, and even take surgical lengths to permanently “improve” our bodies so we can be desirable and ultimately, hotter than the other girls in the room so that we can have the attention from men. Men need men's approval while women, as well, need men's approval.
You raise some very interesting points in your response. “In society, who are we to blame parents for simply protecting their child(ren) from possible harassment, bullying, and ostracization?” This is a really good question that will come up a lot during our studies in this class. I personally think that parents first motive for feeling uncomfortable about their child breaking a gender norm is not necessarily to protect the child from bullying. I think the parent’s immediate response to the situation goes back to his or her own perceived notions of gendered behavior. Many parents may be uncomfortable with these situations (e.g. boys wearing nail polish) because when they were growing up gender norms were not broken as often. Now, as a society we are slowly becoming more educated and thus trying to become accepting and aware of gender differences. I think naturally our parents are more sensitive to the obstruction of gender norms, and it makes them more uncomfortable. Clearly the parent always wants to look out for their child in any social situation, but I think it’s also important to understand their background, and gender biases from their childhood still influence their opinions. Are parents solely looking out for their kids in those situations or are the worried about protecting their own views of gender?
ReplyDeleteMichael Murgo
ReplyDeleteI like how you connected this to your own life with the babysitting story. I was babysitting my former Spanish teacher's children over summer break, and she has Barbies for them with which they play. I was pleasantly surprised to see that she was raising her two boys (2 and 4 years old) without being in line with the typical gender norm of boys playing with trucks and not being allowed to play with toys intended for girls, such as dolls. I feel that this free range of play gives the boys a wider area in which to express themselves.
Further, I liked your question about blame. Do we blame the parents for wanting their kids to be "normal"? On the one hand, if they are "different" other kids might distance themselves from them, but on the other hand, parents making their kids abide by gender norms only perpetuates them. I also found your mention of "men among men" intriguing, as it reminded me of how girls often dress up pretty, accessorize, get their hair done, etc. not necessarily because they think boys will like it, but because they want to be seen as beautiful and stylish by other girls.
While I see your point about how many parents are merely trying to protect their child from the ostracization, bullying, and harassment that typically results from breaking gender norms, I think there are more useful ways of protecting the child. Instead of teaching their child how to fit in with other kids, it might be more useful for the parents to teach them to be comfortable with themselves. To use an Eleanor Roosevelt quote here, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." If the kids are raised to feel comfortable with who they are and to cherish what makes them unique, the responses of their peers will seem insignificant.
ReplyDelete-Ellie Merrell
John Gallagher Comment
ReplyDeleteJosephine is right when she talks about male coaches and how they treat their players. My ice hockey coach my first two years of high school frequently would harp toughness. I was 15 and 16, and often times really disliked him. He would kick guys out of practice for not making a hit, or simply for not playing tough enough. However he cannot be misinterpreted as a bad guy/coach for overreacting if you were not portraying toughness. Sports aren't for everybody, and in many sports, toughness and aggression is a key element. In elementary school and middle school it is more common for gym teachers and coaches to cross the line, but it does come to a point in high school and college contact sports, where humiliation is a necessity to get a point across. This could sound ridiculous, but from my own experience I think that in the world we live in, with competitive sports, this particular aspect cannot be looked at as a bad thing all of the times. It is just important that the aggression and toughness part of the game, stays inside the gym/rink/field, and doesn't carry over to the hallways of academic institutions and society as a whole.